How's the weather? It's sunny!

I can feel the cold in my bones. I'm sick - can you believe, still sick from my last post, the germs here in Japan are racist I tell my friends, never have I been so consistently under the weather before my tozai (stay) here in Agematsu. What I wouldn't give for central heating, the boon of living in America I have come to realize. Don't get me wrong, the team of heated toilet seats, heated blankets, and heated tables (kotatsu - look it up), and lets not forget, individual heaters; is quite an arsenal at facing the bitter cold of winter - but wait, wouldn't central heating save all those concerns?

I'm facing this battle with creative psychological deceptions - such as pictures of Doraemon surfing under the sun wallpapering my desktop. It works, though sometimes it just makes me angry and jealous of Doraemon's priviliged life. Why does this cartoon character always seem to be smiling, happy, and akarui, while I have to deal with the realities of mountain life? Sure, my kids walk to school everyday while I can drive and turn on the heating, sure, but who cares? They're kids, they're supposed to suffer. That's the definition of being a kid.

It's worse to face this cold with no snow. It's like cake without the frosting, or maybe I should say salad without the salad dressing, cause we all know that salad sucks - but at least the dressing makes it bearable. Where's my snow? Where's my winter wonderland that can bring memories of hot chocolate and Christmas stories by the fire...ok, so I didn't have a fireplace, nor did I ever really have Christmas ("thanks older brothers for leaving the house so early that mom and dad decided that they didn't really need to do Christmas anymore!") - but still, the psychological deceptions work, and all I'm trying to do here is escape, who said escape needs to be based in anything real? A little bit longer, a little bit more. I should have taken all my cold medicine, I still have green phlegm. I can't afford to skip medicine here in biologically diabolical countryside of Japan. I love you - oh inaka! But living 700 meters above sea level is just a tad bit too cool.

Some soccer balls for you

My brain feels a little bit like the Japanese listening comprehension CD's I listen to during my frosty drives to chugakko in the morning. A repeating record, brain cells trying to comprehend the words that vaguely stream in my consciousness and giving up because you know what, I just don't care. But I can't just not care, for what's the point in that, I might as well just give up on life. I have a cold, I'm sure that has something to do with it - I tend to percieve all my thoughts as something that is purely out of my head, when we all know that that is rarely the case, external factors, people, work, culture, shoot, even the weather, they all have to do with it. I miss home a lot these days, though I know I have grown so much here. I appreciate the space and time Japan has so benevolently gifted me in order for me to get things sorted out, but I know that to not love Japan means that I can't enjoy it as much as I should. It leads to negativity, which means I should probably go home. The kids are too wonderful, the people in my town, they need someone who is really happy to be here. It's not a problem with Japan, it's just who I am. Honestly, I think I will only be happy with that one person who I can care about deeply. That's normal though, ne? Especially at my ripe and *cough* age of soon to be 25. Somebody heeelp maaaaaaaaaee!!

I have grown so much, but there are ways I have not grown. Well, you can't have everything. I have learned to accept that - i.e. life is not perfect and neither is anybody in it, including myself. Happiness lies in the quiet and confident truths of acceptance, of the people we can't save and the people we can't be. That is one thing I have been told before, but have not accepted until now. Life may just be a long road of acceptance, so many things we worry about now we will look back upon as so silly.

The kids here are so simple, it is so easy for them to feel happy, it is absolutely amazing. But it is true happiness, and I admire it, not one to fall quickly to envy or superficiality. Today we did some cooking at a neighbors house, it was good because the English teachers from around the way came around, and it's always awesome to get everybody together. The importance of community is magnified here, when there is such a small foreign community and you all have to stick together if you are going to stay sane. I think I may have learned as much from the foreign community here as I have learned from the people of Agematsu. I don't think Japanese people will ever love the Indian taste though, it's just not fishy enough!

I have learned that confidence and hope and patience and faith and some other things are all you really need to carry you through life. I can figure out so many things about the nature of cultural relations or human psychology and while it all helps a great amount, esp understanding psychology, the basic truths of the human spirit is what I have to remember. Not everyone will understand, nor will everyone like me, that would be impossible. Knowing who you are and what you believe in is most important, you might feel pain elsewhere but you'll have that quiet confidence to carry you through if you know how to believe. That's what's most important. I am sure it is coming off that I obviously need a trip home, and trust me I am looking forward to it, but I have felt these things during tough times back home in America, I have only now had the space and freedom to accept them here in Japan, where you have less forms of escape and have to face yourself as you are. You don't learn anything too new here in Japan, you more or less face old truths more clearly. Traveling to another country has this dreamlike adventurous quality to it, but in the end all I realized was who I am and always have been (with a little bit more strength to boot :)

That being said, Japan is a lot of fun!

Paaaaaeeace!